Every single word in the Bible has meaning. Significant meaning. The words are there at the whisper, the love, and sometimes even the anger of God.
I’ve always been fascinated at the significance of the numbers, and how God uses them in the bible to represent certain things. The number 40 is of particular interest to me. It signifies a period of “testing,” or challenge … and, the fulfillment of a promise.
This is the way you feel 40 days after your dad is gone:
- In the quietest of moments, when there are no distractions, you shake your head in wonderment. And that’s all you can do … shake your head and wonder.
- You savor the moments you went fishing and hunting together.
- If you’re an only child, particularly the only son of an only son, you realize that to some extent now, you’re the head of the family, and you’re scared.
- You take on a welcome new responsibility for your mom.
- By the grace of God, you forget the arguments, and you remember the tender moments of transparency.
- You wonder what he’s doing in Heaven at this very moment.
- You wonder if he knows you miss him.
- You picture him praising the Lord with his hands raised, happy beyond measure.
- You imagine him covered in Light.
- …and you can only shake your head in wonderment…
- You regret not having been a better son.
- You have a new understanding for the burdens he carried as the head of the family.
- You have a new comprehension for his failures.
- You hear a song on the radio that carries the theme of Jesus’ love, and you cry.
- You put up bird houses that await the migration of the purple martins, just as he did for years and you wish he could sit on the back patio with you …waiting.
- You wear his clothes, just because you can.
- You walk into a room where he spent his days, and you can still smell him.
- You wear his dog tag from his days in the National Guard, and you never take it off.
- You try to have forgiveness for those who in his final days denied him the request of Baptism because of the doctrinal beliefs in immersion, and you struggle with that almost every day.
- …and you shake your head in wonderment, because that’s all you can do.
- You start a vegetable garden in your back yard as a tribute to him.
- …and in that garden you plant cotton seeds from his last harvest and you plan to replant those seeds every year on May 1.
- You wear his collection of caps.
- You remember your roots with newfound pride.
- You wish he could sit with you and watch the Final Four in a few weeks.
- You wish you could just sit with him on the back porch and drink a cold beer.
- You pursue lost dreams with vigor and determination because you realize life is short and but a vapor.
- You regret the mistakes you, yourself have made as a father.
- You determine to be a better man and live a life just like he did in the last month of his life, with grace, humility, forgiveness and love, and you re-realize that it’s not important how you start out in life, what matters is how you finish.
- …and you shake your head in wonderment, because that’s all you can do.
- You write, because that’s the gift God gave you, and you do it as a tribute to him and Him.
- You determine as best you can to avoid distractions and focus on what’s important.
- In your heart, you search the world over for another father figure.
- You set new priorities.
- You realize that despite the kind words and genuine goodness of those around you, nobody knows how you feel, and sometimes you are just lonely.
- You hope he knows how much you loved him, even if you were a rebellious jerk so many times.
- You still hear his voice from the basketball court sidelines 35 years ago yelling “shoot the ball!”
- You just sit and stay quiet.
- You weep still.
- … and you shake your head in wonderment … because that’s all you can do.
Loved reading this, I can relate to many of the 40 things.but especailly the hats ! My Dad passed away 10 years ago in July. The last straw hat he ever wore sets at my house in a very special location, every once and awhile I still get it down and wear it and low and behold, his scent is still there in the sweat band of the hat, just makes me smile that I can still smell him after all of these years.
All I can say is, “WOW”!! So nice to read this and brings back many wonderful memories of my own dad. Daddy will be gone 32 years this June—some days that seems so unreal to say–32, how can that be? I am so very thankful for wonderful memories!!
Thanks, Beth and Brady. Yes, there will always be a void with the loss of our dads. It was funny the other day when a man I hadn’t seen in years told me that as long as I was around my dad would always be here. I look that much like him now……..
Hey Steve. Want you to know how much I have enjoyed reading your blog. God has given you a true talent in the ability to write. Thanks for sharing it with all of us. Todays blog hit home for me. My Mom died May of 2004 and even though I was a mom to a 12yr. old, I don’t feel I was truely grown up till then. I spent the next 6mo. going through her house. For a good while, I could smell her in that house the minute I walked in and I just wanted her to be sitting at that kitchen table. And then one day, I walked in and it was gone. I have never felt so close to God as I did after her death. In my time of need, He was there. I can tell you that with time it gets better. But the world is a different place after both of your parents are gone. Just wanted you to know there is someone
else who knows how you feel. Your dad was a special man. I never saw him that he
didn’t have a smile on his face and a story to tell. I’m happy for you that you have someone in your life to love and be there for you through this time. Pleas tell your Mom
hi for me.
My dad was/is a farmer too. He has Alzheimer’s and has been in long term care since April 29, 2011 . We are losing bits of him everyday…Mother died in 2000….the giving up of that connection to the past brings tears to my heart….BUT we have hope in Christ so it will be just a little while then we will all be on the other side….Dana has always been one of my pets! 🙂
Thanks, Missy. I really appreciate you taking time to share that message. You take care.
Very well put young blood. No doubt in my mind, David was, is, and always will be proud of you. Our loss is Heaven’s gain. We’ll all be together again some day , and kick it on the other side. Hold those memories tight.
I wept when I read this…both for your loss and at the very thought of losing the most important man in my life, and in tears of happiness for the blessing that I’ve been given to still have him here with me, despite his struggle with cancer. I’ve watched him fight that battle for two years and have literally watched in wonderment as he survived a night I never thought he would by the grace of God. I will continue to treasure every moment I have with him, and will think of you and your dad often as I thank God for the gift of my dad for another day. Thank you for sharing these heartfelt and beautiful words. May God bless and keep you and give you peace in your time of sorrow. Hold on to those beautiful memories.
But for another day….
I’m sorry….I didn’t mean to make you miss him even more. I just wanted you to know how much your words meant to me. I’ve shared them with my dad and he feels the same way. By the grace of God, we will never take another moment for granted. God bless.